A snapshot of prepared: T. ~ The Grace Between

A snapshot of prepared: T.

Meet my friend T. You’ve heard of the stages of grief, right? Well, you could say there are stages of deployment. One of them is insane preparation for every wild scenario your overactive imagination can conjure. And can I just tell you, we’ve all been “prepared” only to find out we are completely unprepared.

“I like to be prepared. I had a 30, 60, and 90 day plan of preparations I needed to make for this mobilization… I was determined to have everything I needed to help the kids remember Daddy and just make the deployment a little easier. 

I got a new phone with a data plan so that I could write/ talk to him and just be available whenever he had the time. I had a Daddy blanket made for the kids with a collage of pictures of Hubs all over it. I had a pillow made with a picture of his face on it. I even had one made with my face on it for him to take with him. I made a video of him reading the kids’ favorite books so they could watch it and feel like he was home. I even made him send me videos of him singing kids’ songs and made a dvd from that so that they could sing along. Each child was given a “Daddy Bear” wearing complete ACUs that says “I love you” in a kind of creepy robotic voice. I also splurged on an apple tv that pulled pictures from my computer and displayed them on my tv as a slideshow.

 I wanted to make sure we had plenty of “Daddy time” watching his videos and pictures so that Sweet Girl would remember him and hopefully Little Man wouldn’t be so scared of him when they met again. I planned a pre-mob vacay so that we could get away and have some family time before he left and I prepped our home for the arrival of our newest (adorable) addition. I beefed up my husband’s survival kit with everything I would take if it were me deploying. Finally upon completion of that I felt… “ready”. 

When he left I had him loaded down with more accessories than G.I. Joe, but it made me feel better, so he obliged. Hubs on the other hand, is more of a go with the flow kind of guy. He would gladly go with only his issued equipment (tsk tsk).

I prepared for this mobilization with every fiber of my being. I was squared away…

When the day came, I left Sweet Girl with my Mom at our house. My Dad offered to come with me to see them off. We drove to the unit and hung out in the planning room with the other families. We brought breakfast to share but nobody seemed to have the stomach for it. I couldn’t blame them. I kept reminding myself that this was the easy goodbye. They were only flying to the Mob Station. We would see him at Christmas Exodus. That would be the real goodbye. 

 As my Dad and I stood on the flight line watching them crank the birds so many things ran through my head. A dear friend of mine had previously deployed to the Country where my husband would be. She had flown the same Airframe my husband now flew. Unfortunately she didn’t make it home. I had to fight hard to push that memory down as far as my strength would allow.

 He’ll be home for Christmas I kept telling myself… I just couldn’t keep my crazy brain in check.

 It took too long to crank all those aircraft. Surely your checks are done by now, I thought, Just. Pull. Pitch.

Then I realized how unprepared I was for this mobilization. All that planning would help us get through the year, but how ridiculous was I to think that any amount of planning would prepare me for a year without my husband? 

I was also completely out of my element. I was a Soldier. I was an Army Pilot. I knew how to do a lot of things, but I had no idea how to be left behind. I wanted to trade places with him. But Sweet Girl (17 months) needed me and I wasn’t fit to fly. At 38 weeks pregnant with our second child it was laughable that such thoughts even fought their way to the front of my mind. 

After what felt like hours, they taxied to the runway and in unison each Hawk pulled pitch and climbed. It was beautiful. I saluted the birds at the best position of attention that my ginormous belly and swollen ankles would allow and my Dad drove me home.

Finally Christmas Exodus came and he was home for a two glorious weeks. It was incredible. We picked him up at the airport and felt a little lame as a few people gave thankful and approving glances our way. I wanted to tell them he’d only been gone a couple of weeks, but we just smiled back and went home. 

By this time I was 40 weeks pregnant and felt like I would never give birth. We had a set number of days with Daddy and I just wanted our son to come so we could have time together as a family. Of course he waited until we had a mere 4 days left before goodbye. Having the husband at the birth was an answered prayer. The time we spent with our beautiful daughter and our tiny handsome son were indescribable. For a few short days we were whole. We were a family. 

When the day finally came we drove him to the big commercial airport and dropped him off. He didn’t want us to go inside and I’m not sure I wanted to go. He had Soldiers to take care of and he couldn’t do that while crying.  The last few moments were surreal. Somehow they were like watching a movie in slow motion. 

I watched as he kissed our 17 month old daughter then kissed our four day old son. He walked around the car and hugged me, but only briefly. He quickly kissed me then ran off never looking back. I watched him until I could no longer see him, wondering if I would ever see him again.

The days were long and the worry was intense. I watched as both of our children grew like weeds right before my eyes. Each time either of them hit a milestone it would pang my heart that he could not see it. I chased my kids with the video camera as much as I possibly could, trying to get every little thing captured so he could see it. I even refused to let Little Man learn to walk until Daddy was home. Any time he was close I’d pick him up and hold him or wear him on my back. I know it was selfish, but I just wanted Daddy to see one thing. Just one milestone.

The days, weeks, and months passed. Sometimes they passed slowly and sometimes surprisingly quickly. I have no idea how we survived, but for the grace of God and the love and support from my family.

Praise be to God that autumn day came without incident. The kids and I were standing on the sidewalk waiting for his bus to come. He stepped off and my sweet girl (now two and a half) ran into his outstretched arms giddily saying “Daddy!!!” He spun her around and hugged and kissed us all. He carried his ruck and our daughter. I carried his duffle and our son and we walked off into the sunset with a new appreciation for love, life, and each other.”

~M.  

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