{More Five Minute Friday in which I take longer than five minutes. Also, because I was typing most of this one handed while nursing, I was forced to do some significant editing so it didn’t look like a drunk monkey wrote this. Linking up with some lovely women as always.}
This morning I was hanging out upstairs with the Wee Man. And oh, how this real life Dennis the Menace, stealer of chocolate pumpkin bread, wielder of swords (and stabber of ALL THE THINGS) … he owns me. He makes me laugh SO much.
We were just doing ordinary things that you do with a two year old. A little Mickey Mouse clubhouse. A little climbing on my neck. A little stealth scissor usage. And occasionally, he would grab me around my neck, jerk my face towards his, and give me a slobbery kiss.
In the middle of one his sneak attacks, I was overwhelmed with fresh guilt and grief at the thought of what I missed with the J Girl. A WHOLE YEAR of stealthy kisses and funny words and two year old mayhem. {Editor’s note: In 2009, the Husband and I deployed simultaneously to separate locations and J Girl lived with my big sister for a year. I’ve written about it once, here, and it’s the next chapter of Our Story, and frankly, I’m struggling to write it.}.
Even five years later I ache over what I missed. Why I am telling you this?
Right, get to the point … I still carry that guilt when I parent her. I compare my moments with her, with him, and I fall short, so, so short.
And tonight, after a phone call from her teacher, (NEVER a good thing at 8 pm on a Thursday), the doubt, and guilt, and fatigue, they are overwhelming me as they come in concert with the other “ordinary” that the Army life flings at us.
So, all this rambling to say, can y’all just pray for me? I promise I’m not fishing for compliments, or playing my tiny violin at my self-hosted pity party. I PROMISE.
Is it ordinary for mommyhood to be this hard? Because I. Am. Tired. And the answer terrifes me, more than the actual parenting of the children. {Because, yes. Yes, it is. Also, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. I know this.}
Because I know all the things that challenge us in this home are not things that have a short term solution … they require consistency, and calm … {Whew, I’m in trouble}. Fortunately, they also come with grace. And I know we will survive, and, dare I even hope … we will thrive. But in the meantime, just pray for me.
{In related news, I am feeling inapproriately resentful towards anyone that even remotely looks like they have it all together. So, don’t be surprised if I “accidently” spill my drink on your perfectly coordinated-with-your-bag-and-shoes, food-free blouse you got for a great bargain. I’m sooo sorry.}
In all seriousness, I covet your prayers as we navigate through some specific issues with J Girl, and I’m so, so thankful tonight for living in community.
~M.
More pumpkin patch visiting and the three precious reasons we keep at it.
Oh you mamas just amaze me. Like for real. You are incredible. Thank you for doing the hard work of raising babies. Praying for you! xo
Beautiful! Love you friend!
Thank you for sharing your heart . . . while I still wear the same PJ’s all day, with Peanut Butter and who knows what else on it! Even as a “mom at home” it’s overwhelming and sure get things wrong. The best part – Jesus says His mercies are new EVERY morning! Sometimes we need not be so hard on ourselves if Jesus is not! Blessings for a morning of NEW MERCIES!
Dear momma of little ones, yes parenting is hard, yes we do make mistakes, yes we do fail our children sometimes I know because I have. I have yelled when I have been frustrated, I forgot to pick up a child from basketball practice and they were the only one left for 30 minutes out in the rain. I have forgotten to buy bread and peanut butter for my kids lunch and they resorted to buying a candy bar at school. But this is the beauty of it His grace is there, Hebrews 4:16 “Let us approach the throne with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in our time of need” I love the words “approach the throne with confidence” this means we do not have to be scared to ask him for help, we do not have to be ashamed to ask for help. 2 Cor 2:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…….For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Through his grace you have the answers and the strength. Be Blessed and I pray peace, strength and wisdom. In James it says “if we ask for wisdom He will give it to us generously” It is all yours.
such an authentic, searching post. so glad i popped by as a part of 5mf this week. God’s given you such a path to walk; may you constantly feel His presence.
xoxo and hugs, Mama. These are the moments grace fills up for us
I still spill sauces all over myself pretty much every time I eat. And that isn’t counting what the girls spill or rub onto me. Sigh. Feel ya, girl.
Ok, I laughed so hard at some of this- probably because I took wayyyy longer than five minutes with mine too- and the sarcastic humor. All that, and I am still praying for you. Because we are honest moms- and we need to work to find the joy in the ordinary. No mommy guilt here- we pile it on ourselves too much. You are a blessed mother, blessing others. That cannot be understated, you are amazing.
Hang in there, Molly!! You are still in the baby survival phase! Give yourself some grace and remember that it will get easier soon. Well, at least it will be easier to get showered and put on clean clothes soon. 🙂 And remember, your kids won’t remember what your house looked like or what the clothes you wore looked like–they will remember you. That you were with them. That you loved them. That you took care of them. That’s what they will remember. I can almost promise that J Girl will talk about her childhood in terms of the amazing doll clothes you made her, the incredible crafts you did with her, and the love your home contained.