November 22, 2011. Before you read this post, I need to explain?justify? my reason for sharing this. Isaiah 40 is one of my favorite passages in Scripture. At one point I had most of it memorized but it turns out that you need to practice for that to be a continuous thing. Anyway, in preparing my heart to share, I have struggled mightily with perspective and truly being upside down. This world is full of sin and suffering. There is an ocean of grief and tragedy that we are confronted with minute by minute. What makes me so special? Or deserving of good things? Nothing. At. All. That is what makes His grace and provision so life-sustaining, so humbling. So, in the midst of my fear and pleading, two things are etching themselves on my soul and spirit daily.
One: Eucharisto. I have immeasurable things to be grateful for. I am still the 1% in this world. I have two beautiful babes and a man that would sacrifice his life for this family. I have joy. I need you to know I am thankful and that I am richly blessed in this world with what I have right now.
Two: Isaiah 40:11 says, “He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who are with young.” The almighty, all-powerful God of the universe loves me and knows me as His child-on a personal and intimate level. He grieves when I grieve. He rejoices when I rejoice. He carries my children close to His heart. Even as I type this, it brings me to tears. He desires us to cry out to Him in our time of need. We are precious to Him.
So, if there ever was a time for being a member of the body of Christ, this is it. I am sharing with you because I need the prayers of the body. I am sharing with you because I want you to know that the almighty God of the universe hears our cries. The answer may not be easy but I am thankful. I am on-my-face, I-don’t-deserve-any-of-this-thankful today.
October 24, 2011. We are/have been trying for Huggins Three for a few months. Or maybe not preventing would be better word. Hope that isn’t too much information … And so it begins … There is no not crazy way to say this so . . . I was sitting on the couch and had two convictions a la Wee Man’s gender prediction. (1) I’m pregnant but won’t know for at least a week and a half; and (2) It’s a girl.
I’m one for one so far on crazy convictions so we’ll see how this plays out. If it doesn’t, then just an inauspicious beginning to (yet another) much-needed lesson in patience.
November 15, 2011. Shut the front door! I have been useless all day. Sparing you the details, I was scientifically sure that my conviction was wrong, that I was not pregnant. Turns out, I was wrong, and I am right! Some iffy things happening prompted me to take a pregnancy test (or three) this am and AHHHH! Soooo, here we go. You won’t read this until I’ve been to the doctor at least once, but had to record this. That is why today is a happiest of days.
November 18, 2011. Holding my breath today. Or maybe just breathing prayers? Wednesday, I went to Munson with the circus in tow to verify pregnancy [What’s that? No, I don’t, in fact, wholly trust the one dollar – that’s right one dollar – pregnancy test.] and get connected with a doctor. Wish I could convey how much fun it is to have Wee Man strapped on the front and J squirming in my lap [and rubbing the just-swabbed blood vein right before insertion of giant needle] whilst getting my blood drawn by someone CLEARLY on his first or second day in the lab.
A few hours later we got the happy news, and by dinnertime, baby Huggins had been christened Cinderella Bug. The tamest fetus name to date. Also, I will be amused if Bug is a boy because we have immediately defaulted to she. If it is a boy, I may not let him read this …. now I’m breathless again. Because there might not be a moment where Bug ever gets to read this. I am debating publishing this now because I want an ocean of prayer.
Thursday, I went in for labwork, necessary at the beginning of any pregnancy, but of note because of a few things that were slightly out of the ordinary. Praise God I managed that trip solo. Today, my midwife called to let me know that certain hormones were dangerously low – a common cause of early miscarriage.
Oh. Heart stop. Breathing prayers.
She prescribed a hormone supplement, and I go in on Monday to recheck levels and determine if pregnancy is viable. I hate that word. Won’t know anything until Tuesday. She didn’t say anything to make me think that there was a problem with the other hormone levels. Doesn’t matter. My heart, with it’s firstchild sized piece missing, and always tender, takes leaps it shouldn’t.
We haven’t had very many days yet to be happy, but how happy we are … Bug is now and always will be a part of our family, a part of our story, no matter the outcome. Lord willing, she (he?) will read this and laugh at my fear, or wonder at my unbelief. I don’t know.
I do know that He is sovereign, and He loves me, and He is all I need. And if Bug joins Him, I will rejoice at the gift of a few days, weeks of joy with our sweet baby. I will cry. No doubt. I’m tearing up now. But with peace, I have peace.
November 19, 2011. Still utterly useless. Still the in and out, the breath, the pleas, hands on my belly, crying out. My house is so dirty. I clean a little part, pat myself on the back for accomplishing something, anything, then go make a mess somewhere else. Part of me thinks that I shouldn’t be so emotional because I already have babies, but it’s amazing how your capacity to love is exponential and boundless. And I love this little bug.
So thankful for heart friends, and late night [for me] phone calls, and prayers that stretch over thousands of miles.
November 22, 2011. How naive I am to think that there are easy answers. That a simple yes or no will allow me to move on, to plan for the future or to say goodbye. But in the waiting, my soul is stretching. God is pouring out His grace on me.
My midwife called this morning and told me that the hormone levels were increasing-which signifies that Bug is in there, still hanging on, but they are low enough that she mentioned at least three scenarios. One, they are low enough that she believes my body is not capable of sustaining the pregnancy. So while she is alive now, she probably won’t be for long. Two, I could be having an ectopic pregnancy, which is unsustainable and dangerous for mom and usually requires surgical intervention, or three, these hormone levels can be a soft marker for Downs Syndrome. There are other possibilities, I am sure, but these are the ones she mentioned. Tomorrow I will have a sonogram to determine as well as we can what the problem is. The only thing that requires immediate action is the ectopic pregnancy. So…no answers, but she didn’t offer much [any] hope of a normal pregnancy and healthy babe.
Good thing I know hope. I was all shaky and teary after I got off the phone.
Now I am gasping prayers. Now how do I glorify Him? Lord, help me to glorify you. And oh, He is answering my prayers. He is providing perspective. He is providing His written word. He is providing smiles through my tears. Heart friends and real sisters who are praying me through this. I’ve alternated between sharing and not sharing, clearly, as evidenced by the first paragraph. I am thankful for perspective, but I need your prayers. I want Bug to be happy and healthy, I desperately want to go to tomorrow (3:30 pm central time) and for them to wander why I was sent because they can’t find anything wrong and all they see is a seven week old life growing away. So I can say, “Look what my Jesus can do.”
But, if I go in and something, anything, is wrong, I want to have grace, thanksgiving, and joy. So in the midst of grief, I can say, “Look what my Jesus can do.”
When I first read Isaiah 40:11, I was thinking about me-He leads me when I am with young. Thinking about how regardless of the outcome, He is leading me. Okay, that’s good, that’s comforting.
But wait … “He carries the lambs close to His heart.” What a burden lifted.
Forget about me, He’s got Bug right there in His arms.
~M.
I love you Molly. I will pray.
Oh, sweet Molly. Praying for you and your little love Bug. Hearts are heavy with you. Will continue to pray for you upon remembrance. Love you!
Just read this, and praying for you sweet friend with tears…and remembering sentiments that you expressed during your first pregnancy after getting to know Blue and the crazy path God has for him. All is grace! Love you SO much!!!!
Hugs Molly! I have been where you are and am praying fiercely. Keep us posted.~R