I don’t even know where to begin. Before you keep reading (and please keep reading, the big update is at the end), know that the actual miscarriage has not occurred. The past week has been incredibly difficult, primarily because of the waiting. Walking around expecting the physical end result of Bug’s death at any time. Monday was the worst day I’ve had in years. I didn’t make it very far into it before I just gave up and sat on the couch. I was angry … not at the results, but over the waiting. Let’s be honest, if you know me even a little bit, I am not a patient person on my best day. I did some railing at God on Monday. After some prayer, ok, lots of prayer, and the wise counsel of my sweet husband, I surrendered the waiting. If I preach that God is good and His will and ways are sufficient, if I shout from the proverbial rooftop, or internet provider, that I am grateful, then I have to live it. The way He works is mysterious – His thoughts are not my thoughts – and once again I have to live in the place where I trust the Almighty God of the universe to use waiting, interminable waiting, to make me grateful, and ever and always to bring more glory to Him. 

Tuesday was better, Wednesday was back down, and so on and so forth. In the midst of all this, there has been a kernel of hope, a tiny sliver of my heart that thinks, “maybe, just maybe …. “. Last Sunday as I was continuing to process the loss, I found a website called misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com. No. Way. That is the last thing I need to read, right? I only read one story before I made myself close it down. I could have written her narrative. Up until the part she went to the doctor a week later and there was a healthy baby. I know you are all thinking, “oh no, she is setting herself up, false hope, this never happens, …. blah blah, blah.” I knew it would be incredibly unhealthy for me to dwell on that site or put all my faith in the possibility of a living baby. I’ve said it before and I will say it now – God can work miracles by keeping my baby alive, and God can work miracles by taking her home to Jesus. But-it’s there. It’s hope, and I know hope. 

It didn’t help that although we told J last Thursday (Thanksgiving) about Bug being with Jesus, she prays for the baby in my tummy every day, and we don’t have the heart to correct her. Two days ago Thursday she prayed for her to come out safely and be healthy. Be still my aching heart. And I have to tell you, the sweetest thing she said when we told her, after a few tears, and whys, I reiterated that she was in heaven with Jesus, to which she responded, “But Mommy, Jesus doesn’t have any babies’ milk.” Grateful for laughter through tears. 

So – onto the big news. We gave ourselves until Friday (yesterday) before we started to question my midwife as to why nothing was happening and what our choices were. We were all in agreement to do a double check before we took any irreversible medical action and so I had my hormone levels rechecked yesterday.

They went up. UP. Clearly something is still growing in there. Once again, realistically, there are several reasons: The aforementioned Downs Syndrome. An ectopic pregnancy, although that is unlikely. An empty egg sac that has tricked my body into continuing to grow it. 

Let me tell you. We have just decided there is a living Bug in there, hanging on for dear life. We are praying as if that is the case. If it’s not, God will take care of us. I know, He’s done it time and again. In the meantime, we believe, and we hope! And we marvel at J’s heart and simple faith. 

We have a sonogram first thing Monday morning, 8:45. PRAY. Pray for health for Bug, for me. Pray for gratitude in the waiting, pray for Mommy grace with J. She bears the brunt of pregnancy hormones and my anxiety. Praise God for the grace she gives me. Pray for P, that he carries this family well. He has been a gift beyond measure this past week. Another example of continuing to love him more than I ever thought possible. Praise God that A is starting to sleep through night so I am getting some rest in the midst of this. We still have so much to be grateful for  ….  

I can’t even begin to tell you what your prayers have meant. I have been comforted, encouraged, just loved well through the notes, conversations, messages, emails, and phone calls I have received. Grateful for the body of Christ. 

With much love and gratitude tonight (and hope!)

~M.