Many of you have been asking for an update.

First, I am ever and always incredibly grateful for your prayers and your concern for our family. It is overwhelming (in a good way).

I will make this brief. Today has been a hard day.

At the sonogram Monday morning, we saw a correct sized but basically empty egg sac. My midwife immediately scheduled a follow with an OB, who confirmed the diagnosis of blighted ovum that tricked my body into continuing to produce hormones.

Long story short, we decided to proceed with realistic optimism. Odds being very high that I will physically miscarry in the next few weeks, but clinging to our small hope that until that happens, if it happens, we choose to believe that Bug is alive and well. That was Tuesday.

I asked God to have mercy on me, if this wasn’t going to end well, to let it happen soon, so we could move forward, could relax a little and focus on Christmas.

Tuesday night, I started the process. (I am trying to spare you the details.) At least I think I did. It starts and stops. I have so much anxiety over the process because of Baby H and my first pregnancy.

I am at peace with losing Bug, incredibly sad, but at peace. Right now I just feel stuck, like I am moving in molasses. I want this to be over and it is difficult to muster up the energy to do anything else while I am waiting. The anxiety makes me tired, but I can’t sleep and it keeps my stomach in sort of a low-grade twist all the time.

Sorry if this is too much. I feel pretty raw right now from this roller coaster. It feels like a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing ….

Then I remember the wealth of blessings in the midst of grief and I am grateful for the purpose, for the deliberate pattern of grace and gratitude woven throughout.

Would I go back and choose this again? No. I choose Bug. But I surrender my choice to the Almighty, knowing He cares for me. Knowing He deliberately sacrificed His only Son for me. Knowing He grieved as I have grieved. With me and for me.

Pray for me physically, pray for P to continue to know how to minister and care for our family, pray for J, she is truly grieving the loss of a new sister relationship. (That is the hardest for me.)

Thank you again. I have a long list of thankfuls, even in the midst of this, that I would love to share. It’s late here though, and bed trumps gratitude tonight. But they are coming, because they are important (at least to me). Love to you all.

~M.

P.S. I know it’s not nothing. It was our very special someone, our Bug, I’m just sad and tired and confused and wishing for a different outcome. And, oh, the body of Christ. That was most definitely something … something amazing, something comforting, something encouraging … I could go on forever.