Before you read further …. I am sharing this because worry is also part of reason I haven’t blogged as much lately, but since I wrote this, God is providing patience, some rest, and while we have a few answers for some specific questions, there are always more unknowns, so this is ever and always a constant battle. It has come up in several conversations over the past weeks so I wanted to share my thoughts. Just know we are all fine and God is good.
(Feb 21, 2012) My stomach is in knots. Twisting, roiling, turning – doing a discordant dance in time with my racing thoughts. I am overrun with worry.
In these moments, I am claiming Psalm 62. Specifically,
My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
~Psalm 62:5-7
If I claim that I am grateful, that God is omnipotent and I trust Him fully with my life, my babes’ lives, the Husband -that He, ever and only He, is my refuge – then I have to live it, I have to own it. I said it with H, I said it with Bug …. it was true then and it true now. When God is asking me to wait for answers, potentially hard and scary answers, however unlikely, I have to submit, to set aside the worry, set aside the fear and continue to be grateful. To hold the Husband a little closer, to squeeze my sweet babes a little harder, to savor each moment, to be awash in eucharisto.
It is so hard …. I was starting to spin up a little on Sunday and we were singing the song Psalm 62 by Aaron Keyes. I was mouthing the words on auto pilot at the beginning while I was diving down the rabbit hole, then stopped for a moment as what I was saying registered ….
“I’ll set my gaze on God alone and trust in him completely,
With every day pour out my soul and He will prove His mercy …. “
Whew. I needed to hear that …. I started to tune in and heard these two lines as well ….
“Though life is but a fleeting breath, a sigh to brief to measure,
My King has crushed the curse of death and I am His forever.”
Well …. there is some much needed perspective.
I make so much of my fleeting breath. I consume myself with worry rather than rejoicing in the knowledge that the victory is already won. I make it all about me …. so selfish and small minded.
One of my favorite John Piper quotes of all time …“Indeed, what could be more ludicrous in a vast and glorious universe like this than a human being, on the speck called earth, standing in front of a mirror trying to find significance in his own self-image?”
So, daily, I have to tear myself away from the mirror ….
to celebrate the victory ….
to be grateful for what I know ….
surrender what I don’t ….
and take refuge in my Rock.
~M.