My heart is seizing up in my chest.
I am terrified.
Of what, you say?
Being a parent.
Now, I realize that this may be a wee bit delayed, seeing how that train left the station on or about July 30, 2007. But it’s happening now.
Let me back up to Thursday. I was that mom, with those kids.
We were at the library paying our gazillion dollar fine updating our account and they would. not. behave. There was banging on the counter, there was wandering off, there was definitely some furniture climbing. I’ll tell what there wasn’t … quiet … because I frequently had to utilize my mom voice {the precursor to yelling, designed to convey the SERIOUSNESS of my request} at one or both of my children to comeheregetoffthatstoptouchingthingsBEQUIET.
If the library had a watchlist, we’d be on it.
I got out to the car, restrained them, and then mentally apologized to all the women I’ve judged over the years. When I got home I seriously googled “can I leash my kid”.
Here’s the thing. Cognitively, I have lots of answers. I can tell you how to parent all day long … {Which I’m sure you’d love to hear, right?} I know stuff.
It’s the doing stuff that’s defeating me.
Then Friday I got an email about early registration for our homeschooling class next year. That I have to pay for. Soon.
Homeschooling has been … harder then I expected. Different, for sure. And she’s only in kindergarten. So the decision to continue on next year isn’t a given … especially considering next year will include a newborn and a deployed daddy.
I can’t make this decision. At least not yet. And I realize to homeschool or not to homeschool is a whole other blog post/debate that will never end. But in the meantime … I just can’t. The idea of next year with a newborn, a two year old, and a sweet first-grader needing my academic love and attention … all sans daddy … you can’t see me but I am in the fetal position just thinking about it. But the alternative is sending my sweet defenseless first grader out into the cruel world to school without me to protect her every second … I just can’t.
By Saturday I was completely overwhelmed by this parenting/decision making thing. By Saturday night, after attempting to talk through it a little with my sane, non-panicky friend who I secretly believe has all the answers … I. lost. it.
Sitting in the front seat of our new-old minivan, I freaked out. I looked around at the suburban houses placidly staring back at me all orderly and calm and thought about the billions of people haphazardly popping out the babies just like I did up until now … looking and thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? … DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLY HARD AND WE CAN’T POSSIBLY DO IT RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED JUST LIKE ME BECAUSE WE CAN’T KEEP THEM SAFE FOREVER, IF AT ALL, AND WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO SCREW THIS UP I JUST KNOW IT … yeah, I panicked. It was ugly. {Just like these run-on sentences….}
And I’m still breathing hard, sweet talking myself back from the cliff edge … praying.
Thankful for His grace that extends even to my parenting and panicking … and covers the journey my wee ones have to take through this life … independent of me.
Wondering if there’s anyone else like me? And how do you talk yourself down?
In the meantime, I’ll keep looking up.
I might leash, or at least stroller-restrain my kid at the library. Don’t judge.
We’ll keep slogging through math and phonics, and read books, and do art.
I will preach consistency to myself daily, and sometimes practice it.
I will be utterly grateful for sane friends, for healthy, happy kids, and for a husband who does not panic and loves me well.
I will cling to His mercies made new every morning …
and pray that my kids won’t remember all this in therapy.
~M.
{sorry … this might be some excessive navel gazing, even for me …
The bad news: you can never totally protect your kids in this world. (You could go live in a cave, but you wouldn’t be able to protect your kids from the evil that lives in all of hearts and, besides, some crazy spelunkers would surely come along to explore your cave.) If any kid was supposedly shielded from the world, I was. Complete failure; seen & lived too much. I am so weary of the sin in this world.
The good news: we can trust God to take care of our kids. He is the only one powerful enough to protect them always. His grace is all we need. That’s what I am clinging to.
I totally relate to your feeling of being overwhelmed. We have to make big decisions about school for our kids soon. Lots of other stuff going on too.
Hey! Kudos to you for even GOING to the library! I won’t venture in there because I know the disaster that awaits. I also know my little people have a taste for books. (Literally. They just stick them in their mouths and start chewing like we’re at freaking Cici’s Pizza or something.)
I cannot blame you for wanting to take some time off from the homeschool route. Now that I’ve got Sam in preschool for only 2 days a week, I can’t look back. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. And he loves it too, which is way more important. (Right? But seriously I think I love it more.) You are doing great and I think she will do just fine in the first grade. You’ve given her a great start. 🙂
Also, I was driving aimlessly downtown the other day and stumbled upon the playground you were telling me about by the river! Awesome sauce!! We need to meet there one day soon to let the little people burn off their neverending energy!
Oh, dear Molly! As always, my heart goes out to you. First let me say this: it is parents like you who recognize how hard parenting is and who worry about getting it right who are most likely to be successful at it. Of course it is impossible to do it right all the time. But most of the kids turn out pretty well in the end. Before I comment on the schooling dilemma, I must first admit that I myself could never in a million years have homeschooled my kids. Never. But I do think your assessment of the difficulty of doing it this coming year–newborn, toddler, and deployed husband–is painfully accurate. It does not sound like it could be fair for you or for J. And Christina is right–you cannot totally protect your kids. This is too painfully evident this year… But accidents can happen even when you are right there with them (personal experience here…) And there are advantages to having kids attend school. They do love it, mostly. And it is the beginning of their learning to be their independent selves while still having all the caring and nurturing that you provide. Lots of kids who have not had the advantage of your kind of dedicated parenting grow up to be pretty decent adults; yours have a much better chance than most. (Personally, I think they will be awesome people.) God bless you as you struggle with this decision, Molly. I know you will look to Him for the answer.
To be stripped of the illusion that we have it all under control – a beautiful thing! (And it nourishes the best fruit – grace, humility, and blooming faith…and these are shimmering in your words). If only it weren’t so darn painful! Love you, friend!!!!
Hey Molly, as always, I love your articles and you honesty with life! I know some days can be overwhelming but you are certainly on the right track with trusting the Lord and fully accepting His grace and mercy as you fall short, as we all do. I know the concept of homeschooling next year seems overwhelming but you can do ALL things through Christ! He will give you strength. I would advise you and Pete to completely seek His will on whether you homeschool or not. If that is His will it will flow, even on the hard days and you and your children will all be stronger and closer to Him for it. He may release you for a season or forever but I would certainly let the decision be His so you know it will be right. Also remember that God gives us liberty to make decisions so don’t feel any condemnation for the decision you make. If you realize it ends up being the wrong decision, simply correct it and move on. I will keep you in my prayers on this and please know that I’m always available if you need an ear to bend.
Hey Molly, I could totally relate to your post. You are not alone. My freak out came after a year of home schooling Steven for K5 and Jack for pre-k. Alex was 2 and Kate was on the way. We managed that year and even had a little fun. I taught my little man to read. So rewarding. Then came July and beautiful Kate. We were fine in the summer, 4 kids was a lot but I was holding it together. I ordered materials for 1st grade and K5 for the fall. Unsure now I would manage all the school, laundry, cooking, nursing, potty training, cleaning and nurturing, I started off on our next year of homeschool. It was bad couldn’t keep all the balls in the air. My little kids and my sanity took the hit. Thankfully I have a loving husband who saw my need for help and we put the kids in, wait for it… Public school. (The was no Christian school near West Point) you know what? we made it through and I could then focus on being a good mom, more Godly wife and mother. I’m not saying you have to send your kids to school to be a better mom. What I am trying to say is, there IS no right answer. Take it year by year. Be open to new ideas. Don’t feel bad because your family does things differently from others at your church. If you are making decisions in prayer and from Gods word it will all work its self out. Even if you send her to school this year that doesn’t mean you have to forever. No one has it all together. I hope this encourages you. Xoxo Rachel
Oh dear. I by far do not have all the answers and thank goodness because life would be pretty darn boring. I just know what this gal can and can’t handle. Like we talked about, I know I would not be a good home school teacher to my babes…. I would have the wrong impact and they need much more stimulation than I can provide, especilly with the infant running around. I pray everday that I leave the school parking lot no harm, meaness, or trouble be brought to them. But I also want them to expereince life. To make new friends on their own. To have victories that I am not apart of. To be picked on and know how to handle it like a leader. To know how to stick up for others if they see something wrong. To learn at their own pace and not hear me say, “haven’t I told you that a thousand times.” To become, dare I say it, their own individual self that I help mold but not create. As I sit here typing, baby sleeping, kids at school and me sitting sipping some nice tea for these two plus hours I smile. This is my life, it is my path handed to me by Him and I am happy, very happy with how it has taken me from my 90 plus hour, six figure crazy to my Mom life. Follow Him, and follow your path and you too will get to the place of knowing you are doing the right things for you and your beautiful babes.
Oh my friends. Your words and stories are EXACTLY what I needed to hear. You are so encouraging. This decision will take time and much prayer, but for the moment, it mostly takes surrender! Thanks for reading, and praying, and responding. Love you!