Write something redemptive she says.
And this firstborn queen of mine, she of the sweaty cloud of curls, and the outsized personality a mirror of my own … We are warring these days and the only winners here are my sin and her tears, and oh how my heart is aching, and I don’t feel redeemed when I raise my voice at her again.
My intentions, they start noble. I want to teach my image-bearer how to live well, to love Jesus, to clean her room … simple things, that make a life worth living. But somewhere the narrative changes and the lesson is lost when she stumbles, because the recounting is of her wrongs, and I list, impatient, all the ways she failed.
Today she asks me in a shaky voice if I even like being her mother and I’m stricken, I’m breaking, and what do I say to convince her otherwise in the thick of battle.
But there’s grace here, in the moments worn thin, and so I wrap my arms tight around this girl of mine, this gift, and the reasons why I’m frustrated don’t matter anymore as much as telling her the infinite ways I love this living fragment of my own heart. And so we settle down on a blanket of grinning monkeys for some snuggles, and redemption creeps in … along with the Wee Man, who comes to nestle with us. And we dog pile on the blanket-my monkeys on the monkeys-and tears fade away to laughter and there is redemption in the grace my daughter shows me, and there is redemption in our goodnights when we talk about tomorrow and her job is to listen better and my job is not to yell.
And I am my daughter to my Father-obstinate, obdurate and unwilling to listen-and still He whispers His love for me across the pages of His story, and from a splintered cross, and there is no yelling in the hushed echoes of an empty tomb. And so when tomorrow comes and she wanders away mid-instructions, when my words settle unheeded in her heart and my sin comes roaring up in my throat, grace willing, I will choke it with a whisper, with the echoes of a Heavenly Father who teaches me to love this daughter of mine the way He loves me. And there is redemption in the choking.
I will own the narrative in this home again, one skirmish at a time. And I will try each moment we live here together to whisper a story of grace, and of redemption {hers and mine}, to live the story of a Savior who gives no condemnation to those He has redeemed.
This. Face.
~M.
{Just consider this my church aisle confessional for the week…this is a very real struggle for me at the moment and your prayers are appreciated as I continue to navigate this whole parenting bit.}
Molly,
You should sincerely consider getting your writings published. This is one of the most beautifully true and free writing I’ve ever read. God bless your sweet momma’s heart and your sweet family!
Jen
Thank you Jen. This was difficult to write. It’s a tender wound still.
This is amazing. And true here too. Everyday. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Oh, Molly, I FEEL your struggle and know it so well. My firstborn (and my fifth born) are mirror images of me- strong and passionate and determined– and training that heart that I recognize bears their mama’s weaknesses as well as her strengths- it’s a tear-stained battle. But GOD is so faithful. To us. To our children. Keep praying and loving- your little girl is going to do great things for God like her mommy one day. I WILL pray for you, too. Stopping by from Emily’s today.
Thank you Alicia – He is faithful and for that I am eternally grateful!
Beautiful once again! This brought tears to my eyes because the memory of those “littles” days is very fresh still…even as I plan a wedding. I am so so very thankful for grace and redemption.
I love you. But, is the room clean?
You are a wonderful Mom, and Jaimie a wonderful child. You have been blessed with a gift that few others have. I will be praying for you both. Love, Aunt Moni
Thanks Aunt Moni. Love you too!
Love this so much! I am do glad we stuffed jars with things on the floor at Allume 😉 I can not wait to read that book! You have a gift! And it’s a struggle for us all, worn & stretched… But you are right, we need to own it & I am loving me some of you right now!
Amanda
Thanks. You were a highlight for me this weekend:)
Loved meeting you at the military meet up at Allume. Beautiful post, gorgeous sweet girl, and words that make me melt.
Thank you! Likewise. It is lovely to be among friends.