Well, I have a lot rattling around up here, so let me start with this. {And bear with me, this post is long, but please read to the end.} I have been purposefully obtuse lately with where the Husband is and whether or not he is deployed … {he is now, and has been for some weeks}.

It is vital to me to tell you my stories honest and unfiltered-but it is difficult to write about the deployment without feeling like I am engaging in some emotional manipulation.

In that vein, I am editing myself in this space, in order to share the stories I believe NEED to be written, versus the temper tantrums and hard days I might be having on a regular basis that are more a reflection of my heart than my circumstance.

So let me tell you about last Tuesday.

We facetime most often in the morning {and that’s how I know he loves me, my sleepworn face, wayward hair, and squinted eyes magnified in pixels streaming a world away, and he thinks I’m beautiful, he does.} Tuesday morning we chatted a little with me half asleep, then he told me about this. Six lives lost in a machine my husband wrangles on a regular basis.

And let me tell you now, I was praising God for the gift of technology that allows my conversation with him to precede the news of the incident because I am not so good with the waiting. But there is no joy in relief, no happy in the gratitude, because somewhere, someone else is waiting for a phone call that will. not. come. 

And for the rest of the days this week as we wait in trepidation for names to be released, and count up brothers and sisters we know to be deployed, I am deep-down wondering what would I do? And I am all-the-way-down grateful to belong to a God who tells me it only matters what He did on a skull-shaped hill in Jerusalem.

And the justice, and grace, and mercy poured out on that terrible, scandalous night will carry me through all of our terrible nights, real and imagined. 

The kids pray every night for their daddy. I taught the Wee Man to say, “Please keep Daddy safe.” J GIrl has added in, “And please don’t let him die in a helicopter crash.” And then Wee Man chimes in again with “Crash helicopters”. He leaves out important verbage, but the meaning is clear and straight heavenward. My stomach twists into my throat to hear the bald words spillled out … ugly words like crash and die. But even in this, the psalmist says be of good courage, {Psalm 27} and so we put our faith and our fear on our Savior who bore it on the cross.

I was afraid I would be afraid, fearful for his safety every minute. Especially in light of this stark reminder of the danger he faces. And my dear friends, I am praising God in His mercy that I am not afraid for the Husband. {And grateful always for the words of the Psalmists, to pray His words to us, back to Him}.

This whole treatise is leading up to the following things I have prayed long and hard how to relay to you – and probably wouldn’t tell you had the events of Tuesday not occurred.

First … the way my fear DOES manifest itself is a generalized anxiety over typically irrational things. Please pray that I would manage that anxiety in a healthy way and not transmit it to my wee ones.

Second … J Girl IS worrying about Daddy dying in a crash. Pray that I have the right words to calm her fears and strengthen her faith. There are some lovely opportunities I have to share with her the hope inherent in the gospel.

And finally, can I please humbly share these unofficial “rules” with you … {stemming from our story, and the things my friends and family have learned as we have navigated multiple deployments together.}

One: If you see a crash reported on the news, please don’t ask me if I’ve heard about it.  The burden of sharing that news with me should not be on someone I love.

Two: If you hear of a crash, please don’t ask me if Husband is okay. I might not know about a crash {See #1.} If I know about a crash, and I haven’t spoken with him, I won’t have an answer for you. And we are so blessed to have so many people in our lives that care about us – I could potentially be answering A LOT of emails/messages.

If I EVER have bad news, I or a family member will be updating and contacting people in the most timely and efficient manner possible through FB, the blog, and email. I am respectfully asking you to wait to hear from me. In all honesty, you may see a DOD press release before you hear from me.

Three: This a general rule concerning all things deployment related, especially with regards to specific times, dates, and locations. If I haven’t talked about it publicly on the Internet, then I would please ask that you not talk about it publicly on the internet. I am ALWAYS happy to answer private messages about how/what he is doing as best as I can. Except for as mentioned above.

Thank you so much for your grace in hearing these. I would not survive this without the support of a community who loves me and is flung across the globe. I am so thankful to know how many of you love us, pray for us, and care for us. I am humbled to be a part of your story. 

~M.

UPDATE: It’s Christmas Day – please pray for the seven families whose Christmas comes with unexpected loss and devastating grief. {Linking up with #TellHisStory}.