{Preamble: I’m feeling a little raw tonight. I mean, after eight plus years of marriage, four deployments, six moves, five pregnancies, three kids, I picked now to start comfort eating. Maybe it was adding Second Son. Maybe it’s the impending deployment staring me in the eyes and shouting at me from the calendar. Maybe it’s the loved one in the fight of her life. Maybe it’s just … life, happening around me at warp speed and slow ticks all the same time.
Whatever the reason, the result is a raw, achy soul. And my fingers itching to bandage it here, by pouring out my heart.
And what I want to tell you about, what I’ve hesitated to write about because it feels somewhat unnecessarily dramatic and Lifetime Movie Network-ish, is how I prepare for the upcoming deployment. But you know, it’s what I’ve been thinking about NONSTOP for a week. Welcome to my life. It’s insane. Actually, that should probably read “I’m insane.”}
One of my best friends for going on 21 years now asked me the other day how I was preparing for this next deployment.
I have stock answers to that question. I’m lining up childcare. We are updating the wills. Updating our budget. Planning our pre-deployment family vacation. Making videos and planning all the ways our children can still know their daddy. {Editor’s note: That part STINKS.} Learning how to make cake-in-a-jar. You know, the usual.
I can do the details in my sleep. I live for the details. It’s how I block out the non-details. The impending goodbyes. The six year old wails for Daddy every time she is sick, or sad. The half-empty queen size bed. Our center of gravity, abruptly, rapidly removed.
So, those are the automatic responses. Rote, routine, second nature. And deliberately designed to reassure, to minimize. Not to shock. Because you want to know what I am really preparing for?
Him not coming home. Ever.
Here’s what I think about incessantly: Who is the first person I will call if he dies? What will I say to our babes when I see two uniforms through the wavy leaded glass of our front door? What will become of us, this family who isn’t us without him?
Too dramatic? Because I have a whole plan. A detailed plan. That I think about probably more than I should.
Not because I believe it WILL happen … Just because I know it CAN.
This is the life we live … normal is discussing at a picnic whether or not our children will know their fathers when they come home from war. What to do if they don’t. We prepare for awful, ugly things, and then plead desperately with the Lord to prevent them from happening. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.
These preparations, and the surrendering, and the pleading-when I let my guard down, even for a minute, they leave me weary, exhausted, worn.
Why am I telling you all this? Because redemption always has a story to tell … and even this, this ugly planning, this fear, is redeemed by Truth … I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13, NKJV).
I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord no matter the circumstance because I have. Again and again, in darkness, and in light. In grief, and in joy. In loss, and in new life.
And I know, at the end of the day, literally, when I crawl into the bed, He is still my Savior, my Sovereign King who works all things for the good of those who love Him, whose strength is made perfect in my weakness, and who, two thousand and some odd years ago, defeated death.
And friends, those words are Truth hard fought from dark valleys and deep wells.
{Even today the tears were flowing again … }
So I will plan for the worst, plead for the best, and whisper it all to the Namer and Counter of Stars, who loves me. Me.
Thanks for listening.
~M.
{Linking up with #TellHisStory}.
I am teary and hearing you so clearly here. Please know that you are Not Alone, Not Alone, Not Alone EVER.
Thanks Val. It is one of my great comforts that I have so many sisters in Christ walking through this with me.
This touched my heart so much. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bit morbid for examining all those “Don’t Think, Don’t Say” scenarios. I’m a Mom of 3 as well, and sometimes I about lose my sanity. Everything in the house is breaking down, the kids are screaming nonstop, and I’m crying in my bedroom because everything is crazy. But in those dark moments, I KNOW 100% that God is here to pick me back up. He is the only one who can, and He has NEVER let me down.
So thank you for sharing, ESPECIALLY during one of your raw moments.
Kate … thank you. It’s not morbid, it’s necessary but perspective is sooo hard. The knowledge of His sovereignty is such a gift! Just hopped over to your FB page and liked it. Thanks for creating that community.
Oh Molly. I have goosebumps (Godbumps?) all over. Thank you for your genuine heart in this post… I too sometimes find myself in that same place, grasping for that perspective that no matter WHAT happens, God was, is and will be God.
My Protector, Provider, Lover of my Soul.
Sending up some prayers for you and your sweet family as you squeeze your beloved husbands hand tighter… As well as the Lords.
Thank you for the prayers. So thankful for the internet and the ability to pray for {and meet} the Body in so many ways.
Powerful honesty.
What I remember showing forth from a much younger Molly years ago ………
God has shaped you so well for your calling……
love you……and so grateful for a glimpse into your life so often.
🙂
Thanks Leslie. I couldn’t have told you in a million years that this is what my life would look like but I love every second. Every hard, tear soaked second. And it is SO AWESOME that you get to peek in on it. So thankful for meeting you all those years ago.
me too, my friend. 😉
I have so much that I would like to talk to you about at this moment in time Mo. Right now I am trying to gather myself. Just know that you are such a blessing and inspiration to myself and to everyone you meet. I am trying to come to terms with everything that is happening. I have no uniform-but I feel like a soldier that is leaving loved ones- my war is named Cancer, and I pray to be healed in body as I have been healed in my soul by the Great Physician. I know that God is walking by my side and holding my hand every step I make; and I wonder how anyone can withstand adversity without realizing God is here for us all. Molly, God has certainly given you a Gift-and in turn, you are sharing your Gift with others. I am so lucky to know you, Mo. I wish I could hold you and your Babes and Pete. You are in my heart always. I love you, Aunt Moni
I love you Aunt Moni. Wish I could be there to give you a big ole’ hug in person. Prayers.
oh, this is so honest and gut-wrenchingly real. i know it’s not easy girl but writing this out for us is so, so good… and i get the comfort eating. i struggle with the opposite actually-not eating, but it’s something to hold onto when you don’t have control over anything else, right? may the Lord comfort you in ways that only he can…
Thank you Emily. It’s gut wrenching to write, but therapeutic too. I’m so grateful for the graciousness and encouragement I receive when I write the hard things.
My husband laughed at me when I told him that IF something happened I would buy a sheep farm and have a cow for milk, and free range chickens. ‘Why are you even thinking about that babe?’ Because my love, you are the other half of my soul that God designed for me and if I don’t think about it now I would have no starting point if I never got to hold you in my arms again. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in my thoughts. ‘Bless The Lord oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul, I will worship His holy name’
You’re welcome. It just feels better to voice it sometimes:) Mine includes art school and starting a commune with my sister …
Oh Molly. Prayers.
I too had every second of the worst case scenario planned. Who I would call, what I would do, where I would go. We talked about it together. We had to. It was gruesome, but necessary. Prayers for Pete’s safety and for your precious family as you live life and stand in the gap for him as he is away.
<3
Thanks T. I love you!! I know you have walked this path before and am praying me down it now.
Molly, I seriously cannot imagine this. I am just reading through and shaking my head. And all I can come up with is … thank you. Thank you for all that you sacrifice. I pray God’s blessings down upon you tonight.
Molly, do you happen to know Kristen Strong, who wrote “Serving You: 31 Days of Encouragement for the Military Wife?” She’s an amazing woman, down-to-earth, approachable, and such an encourager. She blogs here: http://chasingblueskies.net/meet-kristen/
First, thanks for your kind words. It’s ONLY with an abundance of grace that we do this .. and His strength, in my abject weakness. Second, you are the second person to bring Kristen up today:) I subscribe to her blog and check in regularly at incourage. I love her voice for our community.
This brings back so many memories – I am relieved to know that my husband is most likely finished with deployments, but scared because we recently discovered his kidney cancer. If it’s not one thing – it’s another! Thank you so much for sharing – and for putting out there the things that it’s just too difficult to say out loud. I’ll be praying for you and your family… *hug*
Oh Ginger. I will be praying for your husband. And thank you for the prayers for us .. you know what encouragement they are on this journey.
Also … love your blog. Just from the first two posts alone, I believe we are kindred spirits:)
Molly,
It feels so good to read this and first be reminded of His promise and second know that I am not alone in my human mind of planning for what could be. Know that we are already praying you through this and looking forward to our family being reunited as well as yours. It’s not an easy road but the pride I have in our husbands for doing this for each of us and the pride I have in us and our children for being on this side is indescribable.
Thanks Megan. Your prayers are such a gift. We have been praying for M. … so thankful here too for not being alone on this journey. {You know I am already counting on you for advice. Even though we all probably feel like we are winging it everyday:)}. And yes … we married good men …
I’ve been peaking around and have read several of your posts today. I’m pretty sure I’ve been here before but glad to come here again. I read your most recent post which really touched me as I’ve been counting His blessings this year. What an impact Ann Voskamp’s book has had on me. My one word for the year is JOY. I was a little stunned that God would choose this word for me in a year when my family would experience multiple deployments. My husband is currently deployed and my oldest son deploys soon. I appreciate your honesty in this post. And yes, this is what I do every day… “So I will plan for the worst, plead for the best, and whisper it all to the Namer and Counter of Stars, who loves me.”
Blessings to you.